im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
