That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
