I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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