She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
