Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
