I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
