Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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