all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Two words: nipple clamps
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
