I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
