Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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