so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
