One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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