walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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