How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
