I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
found the other keg... it's in the tree
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
