If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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