"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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