I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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