Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize