Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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