I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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