mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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