Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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