Where is the hickey?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I stole a fireplace last night.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
