I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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