How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
