david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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