Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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