I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Text me some of your sweat
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
