Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
