I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
