Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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