Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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