Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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