I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
