He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
