Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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