I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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