I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize