Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
