I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
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