My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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