Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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