There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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