life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
