I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
