sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
