he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
