i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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