and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
