Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You may now shotgun with the bride
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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