I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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