A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
