I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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