You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
