I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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