just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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