I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
