She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
