My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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