oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize