dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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