I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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