i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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