Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
