sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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